Morbid Furiosity’s blog

I went on two dates this weekend and they were wrong from the get-go.  The first girl was unattractive and boring, but very sweet, just not for me.  The other girl is beautiful but lacks any moral substance and is not someone I could ever trust, so she's not the one.  Where is the girl who fits?  The one who is quirky like me and sees the world for all its darkness yet brings sunshine to my world.  A partner.  A true partner in life.  Someone who does not burden me, but instead makes my life better.  I haven't seen this girl in 10 years.  I haven't felt that connection in so long I wonder if my heart will allow it to happen anymore.  I wonder if I am too odd or if my standards are too high?  She does not seem to exist.  I wish she did.  I'd like to give someone the stability and happiness I am missing and so desire. I'd like to give my heart again. I'd like to be loved.  Damn, I'm a fool.

If I were giving advice to someone like me, I'd say to "be patient" or "she's out there somewhere," but I know me well enough, and after a decade of loneliness I have every reason to be doubtful.  It should have happened by now.  The lords of karma are telling me it is not meant to be.  I have not led a good life.  I've done dishonest things.  My soul is corrupt and I do not believe in God, nor do I have any inclination to find Him.  Maybe this is my punishment.  To walk the earth alone with a heavy heart.  I'll mask the pain and keep a glimmer of hope that she will walk by and I will say "Hello," and she will smile and look at me the way I will be looking at her, and our hearts will stutter.  [sigh] The stuff of fairy tales.  The things I need.  Where is she?

Sometimes I really miss having a loving woman to share my life with.  Those nights in bed before going to sleep talking about our hopes and fears.  Waking up in the morning and seeing her beautiful face, asleep like an angel.  Making plans and sharing our dreams.  Making love with someone you actually love.  *sigh*

But then I remember the downsides.  The constant compromise of yielding to another's needs.  The irrational emotional roller coaster that surfaces now and then when feelings get hurt.  Feeling trapped or crowded at times, yearning for individual freedom as you once knew it.

A good relationship beats being single any day, but it is so hard to find a partner worth sharing a life with.  I think I settled in my last relationship because I didn't want to be alone, like a lot of people do.  I really enjoy the peace of being alone, answering to no one.  It is such a difficult balance to achieve, finding a partner to give you enough space while still making you feel loved and connected, creating a healthy bond that can survive life's ups and downs.

I may not be capable of giving the fairer sex the attention often desired and demanded, and I have found that women I have dated or married usually need more of my time than I do of them.  I can be moody and isolationist at times.  And then I can be talkative, loving and needy the next day.  What a mess!  Life is hard and we are complex creatures.  It is a wonder we're not all alone!  =)

Well, I've only been on Vox a few days and the people here have been very nice.  I've had more private messages than comments, but I did get one comment. =)

I think my bleak blogs about private demons will be therapeutic for me. I know I'm fucked up, but aren't we all.  I'm going to dig deep and keep offering you the guts of my soul.  I hope it will be entertaining.  I know it will be cleansing.  Happy Easter to everyone.

Good eve,
MF

Ha!  I just realized my Vox initials are profane, on a holy day no less.

Well, I woke up feeling a bit better this morning.  After re-reading my initial posts, I thought "How depressing!"  But those were the thoughts floating in my head when I wrote them.  I'll keep focusing on the good things in life and continue to move past the demons.  I have good health and I have a supportive family.  That alone is a lot.  They are invaluable and many don't have that.  The birds are chirping outside and cool tunes are playing.  The coffee is brewing and it smells wonderful.

It is going to be a good Sunday.  =)
  

The Internet is such a strong force in people's live these days, it has become a central method of social interaction for many cybersurfers.  People are spending more time with strangers on the computer and less time with family and friends.  Geeks went from having 'no friends' to having a 'worldwide web of friends' once places like this sprang up all over the net.  Internet pornography made the hottest women available to any guy, and virtual sex babes are replacing real-life girlfriends in some cases!  When the sexual urge hits a guy, he doesn't have to buy roses, take out the trash or take a girlfriend out for dinner anymore.  These days he double-clicks for his chicks, and when it is over he doesn't have to cuddle or listen to endless monologues about "that bitch at the office," or whatever his girlfriend might drone on about, sorry that was definitely from a male point of view.  Instead, he just ends the program, turns off the PC and goes to bed with no guilt and no hassles.  These are strange times when masturbation through enhanced visual and interactive stimulus is capable of replacing real mates.  Trends were already showing higher divorce rates and more single people long before the Internet arrived.  Marriages will become less and less necessary over time.  Women found out long ago that you don't need a husband or a man to raise a child or to be happy and complete.  Men are now finding that women are more manageable and less expensive on the Internet.  Strange times for sure.

I grew up thinking I'd fall in love, get married, have children, and live happily ever after.  Fairy tales are dangerous.  They lead us to believe in unattainable romance.  I've had some good relationships, but they have all ended, each and every time.  Unless you are currently in a relationship that you see lasting forever, you can relate to my disappointment.  I will certainly die alone.  Most of it is my fault.  I can't seem to tolerate the boring routines in life, much less someone else's.  The main problem seems to be how little I need in life: a place to live, food to eat, someone to love, and sex & drugs to dull the pain of existence.  Most women, maybe most guys, can't stomach that much simplicity out of their partner, and so I am a huge disappointment to my girlfriends.  I don't want a bigger house, a bigger salary, and I never care what the neighbors think.  I don't want to hang out with your judgmental friends, because they make me feel angry or sad.  And I don't expect you to hang out with my like-minded pals if they are distasteful to you.  If your family treats you like shit, then I don't want to visit them, no matter how obligated you feel to spend time with those monsters.  Compromise is the cornerstone of all good relationships, but I find that I am usually the one pulled into scenarios where I don't want to participate.  I love waking up with someone I love.  I love coming home to see a caring and smiling face.  I love making love on a rainy lazy day.  I love sitting next to her on the couch or at the movies.  But most of the time I just feel crowded or guilty, knowing my isolationism makes my partner unhappy.  Most of the time I just want to be sedated and alone.  And so I am.  Not exactly a resume girls flock to, but it is honest and it is me.

This weekend was another short-lived reprieve from the shallowness of corporate life. Tomorrow I will face a familiar world of grave robbers and soulless scoundrels who take from the poor and give to the rich. I am finding with each new day, I have less tolerance for dishonest people, and I am developing a dangerous habit of sharing my unfiltered opinions with political creatures who could destroy my livelihood.  I try to limit my aggravation at work by steering clear of influential people, but they are a small fraction of what ails me.  Watch the "World News" for the rest of it, any channel will do.